Saturday, October 3, 2009
Learning the Lessons I've Taught
It must've been 7 or 8 years ago now that I told my best friend to be happy doing what they're doing and being by themself. In the end, no matter how many friends you have or how many people love you, most of the time you're going to be by yourself. It doesn't mean that people love you any less or that you don't have friends that will talk to you when you're around or if you reach out to them. To be really happy you have to see the bright side of life even when you're alone. I went into medicine because the energy I get from other people makes me feel validated and my expertise makes me feel sought out. At the end of the day, when I'm home alone, it doesn't matter if I'm a doctor or a cashier, I have to look back and be happy with what I have and where I'm at in life. It seems that's a lesson that I've forgotten over all these years and one that I need to relearn myself.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Loneliness
It's now 6 weeks into my second year of medical school (wow, it's already been 6 weeks?). Much like at the beginning of our first year, they spent a lot of time in the beginning telling us how difficult it'd be and how we'd all hate life. Just like last year that really irritated me, although much more so this year.
Academically things are going well for me so far. I definitely don't have the steam that I had going into the first set of exams but we have quite a lot of time for studying next week so I'm not too worried about my next set. Seeing patients is both scary and fun because we finally start getting to do "real" doctor stuff. Starting the day after our exams I'll get to work side-by-side with a doc for 5 days in his office and continue to hone my skills. I'm nervous because I still don't know anything but I think it should be a really interesting time.
By far the biggest problem for me is being lonely. At school I have no problem talking with everyone and I have plenty of friends there but I feel like once I go home no one talks to me and it makes me pretty sad. Since Jason is never home and my other two roommates basically only respond to me with one-word sentences I feel like I don't have many people to talk to. I pretty much never get texts or calls from friends asking how I'm doing or seeing what's up. People will talk back if I start things but after a while I feel like if I'm always the one that has to say something then they must not really want to talk to me. I'm a pretty motivated person but sometimes I just get really sick of having to do everything myself. Living at home all the time I always thought it'd be kinda neat to have my own and live alone but now I realize that being alone is pretty lonely.
Academically things are going well for me so far. I definitely don't have the steam that I had going into the first set of exams but we have quite a lot of time for studying next week so I'm not too worried about my next set. Seeing patients is both scary and fun because we finally start getting to do "real" doctor stuff. Starting the day after our exams I'll get to work side-by-side with a doc for 5 days in his office and continue to hone my skills. I'm nervous because I still don't know anything but I think it should be a really interesting time.
By far the biggest problem for me is being lonely. At school I have no problem talking with everyone and I have plenty of friends there but I feel like once I go home no one talks to me and it makes me pretty sad. Since Jason is never home and my other two roommates basically only respond to me with one-word sentences I feel like I don't have many people to talk to. I pretty much never get texts or calls from friends asking how I'm doing or seeing what's up. People will talk back if I start things but after a while I feel like if I'm always the one that has to say something then they must not really want to talk to me. I'm a pretty motivated person but sometimes I just get really sick of having to do everything myself. Living at home all the time I always thought it'd be kinda neat to have my own and live alone but now I realize that being alone is pretty lonely.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Cadaver Memorial
As of yesterday I finished my Anatomy class. It came as a great relief to finally be over with it and not drag myself to the lab on weekends, only to smell for the rest of the day. The anatomy lab portion of medical school was probably my least favorite part of this experience so far but there's a funny thing that comes from forcing yourself to do something you really dislike, you grow from it. I can't pinpoint exactly when it happened, probably shortly after I finished dissecting myself, but I came to realize that dissection lab is actually a pretty amazing experience.
On the outside we almost all have 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 eyes etc. but on the inside the individual differences are amazing. Arteries, veins and nerves branch at points where you wouldn't think to see them, make strange connections, may completely not exist in this person and yet somehow despite all this strange diversity we all continue to grow and develop. As I looked at our cadavers I would find myself studying their muscle structure, wondering what kind of life they had lead that gave them their particular build and at some point you realize that this is a person here.
As physicians in training we are taught to give ourselves entirely to our craft, in body, mind and spirit. It's a hard transition that few, if any, of us have really even begun to do. It's an inspiration to have our first patients be people that have gifted themselves to us and our education and continue to give even beyond their passing. Despite the ups and downs of anatomy lab, it was a humbling experience that I will never forget and as time goes on I know I will look back upon it fondly. To those who gave themselves to us, all I can say is "thank you."
On the outside we almost all have 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 eyes etc. but on the inside the individual differences are amazing. Arteries, veins and nerves branch at points where you wouldn't think to see them, make strange connections, may completely not exist in this person and yet somehow despite all this strange diversity we all continue to grow and develop. As I looked at our cadavers I would find myself studying their muscle structure, wondering what kind of life they had lead that gave them their particular build and at some point you realize that this is a person here.
As physicians in training we are taught to give ourselves entirely to our craft, in body, mind and spirit. It's a hard transition that few, if any, of us have really even begun to do. It's an inspiration to have our first patients be people that have gifted themselves to us and our education and continue to give even beyond their passing. Despite the ups and downs of anatomy lab, it was a humbling experience that I will never forget and as time goes on I know I will look back upon it fondly. To those who gave themselves to us, all I can say is "thank you."
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Oh right ... I have a blog
So my writing in this blog has become much less frequent in '09. I don't feel like I have too much to talk about these days. Now we're down to 7 classes left before we're finished with the M1 year so the scheduled has lightened up which is nice. We start at 9am on MWF of next week and 10am of TuTh so that is going to be pretty nice. Now that the weather has gotten better and our days are starting later I'm trying to walk to school. According to google maps it's about 2.7 miles away so it's a nice way to get off my duff, actually go outside and burn up some calories.
We have some tests in Renal (kidney) physiology and superficial head and neck coming up a week from Monday so those will be my last midterms of M1 year and then I will only have finals to go. I'm doing pretty well in classes but I still have plenty of doubts as to whether or not I'll be good at this whole medicine thing. I can't seem to spout off facts like many of my peers can about what nerve goes to what muscle but if you give me a multiple choice test I can deduce the answer with little problem. Since we've had so little (i.e. zero) patient exposure it's hard to tell how successful I will be. I'm excited to go into next year and learn how to take histories and physicals. I see that aspect of medicine as a game where the physician is a detective and how to solve the mysteur of what ails the patient. I think that's something I'll be good at but I definitely have lots of doubts about whether or not I will be. Only time will tell I suppose.
The most exciting thing about the future is also its most annoying and that is its uncertainty. I'm excited to move to a new city next year, move into a legit house and not live next to a slamming door, actually start all this medical business, get a chance to see what fields of medicine work for me, and continue to grow personally and professionally.
I've been very slowly writing in here taking my sweet time just to avoid studying but I can't think of anything else to say. So I leave you with some pictures of golfing with James, David and Johnny at Green River over spring break.
We have some tests in Renal (kidney) physiology and superficial head and neck coming up a week from Monday so those will be my last midterms of M1 year and then I will only have finals to go. I'm doing pretty well in classes but I still have plenty of doubts as to whether or not I'll be good at this whole medicine thing. I can't seem to spout off facts like many of my peers can about what nerve goes to what muscle but if you give me a multiple choice test I can deduce the answer with little problem. Since we've had so little (i.e. zero) patient exposure it's hard to tell how successful I will be. I'm excited to go into next year and learn how to take histories and physicals. I see that aspect of medicine as a game where the physician is a detective and how to solve the mysteur of what ails the patient. I think that's something I'll be good at but I definitely have lots of doubts about whether or not I will be. Only time will tell I suppose.
The most exciting thing about the future is also its most annoying and that is its uncertainty. I'm excited to move to a new city next year, move into a legit house and not live next to a slamming door, actually start all this medical business, get a chance to see what fields of medicine work for me, and continue to grow personally and professionally.
I've been very slowly writing in here taking my sweet time just to avoid studying but I can't think of anything else to say. So I leave you with some pictures of golfing with James, David and Johnny at Green River over spring break.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Not enough time
I was going to write a blog entry about finishing dissecting the pelvis and how "fun" that was but now I have 8 tests in 10 days. Although I don't study nearly as much as many of my peers (and often wonder what they are studying so long for), I find writing to be a taxing experience so I'll just leave this entry at that. Couldn't let a month go by where I didn't write something! After March 9th, finals will be the only big set of exams left :)
Monday, January 19, 2009
Summer
It seems I'm back into the habit of updating once/month or even less frequently. Winter break has come and gone. It was 3 weeks of pure relaxation and I had a lot of fun, even if I did get sick in the last few days and have an ear infection that is still bugging me almost a week later.
Since coming back this past week I've been under the weather and actually missed the first day of classes entirely and selectively missed classes throughout the week just to rest at home. But it seems that school is not pulling any punches since our return. We are back at a full schedule with labs everywhere and time-consuming activities that questionably increase our retention of material. I have to do a presentation on Thursday to a group of about 20 about gallstones and hepatitis A. It's more fun to work on that than to actually study but at the same time it feels like just another activity that's being piled upon us.
One of the most frustrating things that has come up recently is trying to plan what I'll do for summer. All the med students here are talking about it and, of course, stressing about it. The school has sent a few emails about opportunities for us to pursue if we're interested. Some annoying factors are that many have an application deadline that is somewhere around mid-February for a program that begins around June, a minimum time commitment (in terms of # of weeks) and certain days where attendance is required. To add to the frustration, I had no idea when my orientation in Peoria would start until recently.
I was originally looking towards doing this "Student Research and Training Program in Diabetes and Endocrinology" which is a national program but I was going to apply to do it at Vanderbilt since that seems to be the central location for it. It requires attendance on 8/5-8/6 in order to do presentations based on the research you did and is an 8-12 week commitment. So I emailed one of our Deans to see if he knew when Peoria started. Turns out they start orientation starts on 8/5 so that means the SRTP is out... Not only that but that means my summer (5/22-8/5) is just about 10 weeks long which is the minimum requirement for most programs.
So now in all honesty I'm leaning towards not doing anything resume-building over summer and just enjoying my time off. I already have my name on a couple of publications that are in the pipework so I don't really need more research on my resume. If you look on our school's website lots of people actually say they did nothing and enjoyed it or wish they did less than they did http://www.med.uiuc.edu/administration/CurricMgt/M2/preparation.php so that is on my mind as well. So I won't feel guilty if I end up not doing anything that makes me look better on paper. Now I just gotta try and survive having to spend all my time in anatomy lab in February. That's going to be brutal...
Since coming back this past week I've been under the weather and actually missed the first day of classes entirely and selectively missed classes throughout the week just to rest at home. But it seems that school is not pulling any punches since our return. We are back at a full schedule with labs everywhere and time-consuming activities that questionably increase our retention of material. I have to do a presentation on Thursday to a group of about 20 about gallstones and hepatitis A. It's more fun to work on that than to actually study but at the same time it feels like just another activity that's being piled upon us.
One of the most frustrating things that has come up recently is trying to plan what I'll do for summer. All the med students here are talking about it and, of course, stressing about it. The school has sent a few emails about opportunities for us to pursue if we're interested. Some annoying factors are that many have an application deadline that is somewhere around mid-February for a program that begins around June, a minimum time commitment (in terms of # of weeks) and certain days where attendance is required. To add to the frustration, I had no idea when my orientation in Peoria would start until recently.
I was originally looking towards doing this "Student Research and Training Program in Diabetes and Endocrinology" which is a national program but I was going to apply to do it at Vanderbilt since that seems to be the central location for it. It requires attendance on 8/5-8/6 in order to do presentations based on the research you did and is an 8-12 week commitment. So I emailed one of our Deans to see if he knew when Peoria started. Turns out they start orientation starts on 8/5 so that means the SRTP is out... Not only that but that means my summer (5/22-8/5) is just about 10 weeks long which is the minimum requirement for most programs.
So now in all honesty I'm leaning towards not doing anything resume-building over summer and just enjoying my time off. I already have my name on a couple of publications that are in the pipework so I don't really need more research on my resume. If you look on our school's website lots of people actually say they did nothing and enjoyed it or wish they did less than they did http://www.med.uiuc.edu/administration/CurricMgt/M2/preparation.php so that is on my mind as well. So I won't feel guilty if I end up not doing anything that makes me look better on paper. Now I just gotta try and survive having to spend all my time in anatomy lab in February. That's going to be brutal...
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
36,000
During my senior year at UCI I worked on a project trying to make "virutal demonstrations" of biological concepts to show to students taking Cell Biology. Our real goal wasn't so much to produce viable videos for students to watch but to assess whether or not we would learn more about processes that we thought we already understood by making these videos. We put the videos on YouTube just so that they would be there for Dr. O'Dowd to show and speak about whenever she needed to.
Recently I got bored and checked the most popular one, the one I happened to be talking on, and saw that it has been viewed by 36,000 people. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iA-Gdkje6pg I have to turn the sound off every time I look at it because I can't stand the sound of my own voice!
I keep thinking about how cool it is that a little minute and a half project explaining a concept that people are often confused about has been seen so many times. I've been toying with the idea of trying to expand on this concept in my head. I've seen so many infomercials on TV where products and books are sold that play into misconceptions people have about medicine. They often claim to have found hidden cures which an author has discovered that the medical society has been keeping secret.
One of the main reasons I wanted to go to medical school was to be an educator. To teach patients how to take care of themselves and become a partner in their own healthcare. There are all kinds of books out there that physicians have written about living better lives and the such but I always find the audience of books to be more limited. Books are also written for some sort of monetary gain to either the author, publishing company or both.
I've been toying with the idea of continuing the series of videos using the knowledge I've gained in medical school to address interesting topics and misconceptions that people have regarding medicine. Why do most medicines require you to take one or more pills every single day? Is there really no money in the cure? Do vaccines cause autism? And various topics like that. There's a show called "The Doctors" which is a daytime TV show that attempts to do this but I'm turned off by how commercialized the program is. They have little segments sponsored by CVS and other companies so it's clear there's a secondary agenda to a lot of what is said. I believe that information should be distributed freely just for the sake of informing others.
As much as I've thought about doing this, it hasn't materialized to more than thoughts and ideas. Part of it is that I'd want it to be more professional than my little school project and I don't have the digital arts know-how to make it good. Yet even if I did have the know-how, I'd be going into the project alone. As a student I had a professor to bounce ideas off of and correct the incorrect science in my videos. Another part of the reason is time. It took somewhere on the order of 10 hours to create that first video so to create a ~10 minute video would take that much longer. So for now it'll have to remain just an idea that I toy around with in my free time but keep your eyes open because maybe in the future you'll see another video by me.
Recently I got bored and checked the most popular one, the one I happened to be talking on, and saw that it has been viewed by 36,000 people. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iA-Gdkje6pg I have to turn the sound off every time I look at it because I can't stand the sound of my own voice!
I keep thinking about how cool it is that a little minute and a half project explaining a concept that people are often confused about has been seen so many times. I've been toying with the idea of trying to expand on this concept in my head. I've seen so many infomercials on TV where products and books are sold that play into misconceptions people have about medicine. They often claim to have found hidden cures which an author has discovered that the medical society has been keeping secret.
One of the main reasons I wanted to go to medical school was to be an educator. To teach patients how to take care of themselves and become a partner in their own healthcare. There are all kinds of books out there that physicians have written about living better lives and the such but I always find the audience of books to be more limited. Books are also written for some sort of monetary gain to either the author, publishing company or both.
I've been toying with the idea of continuing the series of videos using the knowledge I've gained in medical school to address interesting topics and misconceptions that people have regarding medicine. Why do most medicines require you to take one or more pills every single day? Is there really no money in the cure? Do vaccines cause autism? And various topics like that. There's a show called "The Doctors" which is a daytime TV show that attempts to do this but I'm turned off by how commercialized the program is. They have little segments sponsored by CVS and other companies so it's clear there's a secondary agenda to a lot of what is said. I believe that information should be distributed freely just for the sake of informing others.
As much as I've thought about doing this, it hasn't materialized to more than thoughts and ideas. Part of it is that I'd want it to be more professional than my little school project and I don't have the digital arts know-how to make it good. Yet even if I did have the know-how, I'd be going into the project alone. As a student I had a professor to bounce ideas off of and correct the incorrect science in my videos. Another part of the reason is time. It took somewhere on the order of 10 hours to create that first video so to create a ~10 minute video would take that much longer. So for now it'll have to remain just an idea that I toy around with in my free time but keep your eyes open because maybe in the future you'll see another video by me.
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